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5/30/2007
plane crash
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Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3 children.
The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash,and there are only three parachutes.
The doctor yells out, " Save the children"
The lawyer yells out "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"
The priest yells out " IS THERE TIME?"
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5/30/2007
Why are brides dressed in white
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Q: Why are brides dressed in white?
A: So they match the rest of the appliances.
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5/18/2007
A touching story
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I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same
...click to read the rest
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5/11/2007
Hillary Clinton
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How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet?
They were both dating the same girl in high school.
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5/11/2007
true love
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What the difference between true love and herpes?
- Herpes lasts forever
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5/11/2007
12 inches
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My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt!..................
So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.
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5/11/2007
Roses
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One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor, to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said my god you look so depressed. She said you bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me...six dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have to spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread. Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?
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4/11/2007
Rodney Dangerfield's top oneliners
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1. I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly that I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning w
...click to read the rest
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3/16/2007
Courtney Love
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What's the difference between Courtney Love and a hockey player?
A hockey player takes a shower after 3 periods.
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1/16/2007
Dirt dick pickup lines
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1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
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